What the fuck are you thinking? Jan 26 2008

Well boys and girls, as promised in the previous post, here is the first in our instalments on

badly built cars that one way or the other, come to someones attention here at Kulture Kops.

We are going to call these posts; WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? and then the corresponding date when it was posted...SO here is our first offering to offend your sensabilities....Take a good look at this unreal and unmitigated PIECE OF DOG SHIT! Found this week on ebay as item #180210880480 (feel free to look it up for yourself)
We give you this horrid disaster of an abortion 59 ElCamino.
The only thing funnier than how this piece of shit looks, is how lame the description
is that was writtin to TRY to make you believe this tin turd is "cool"
Read on, and enjoy..................

1959 EL CAMINO THIS IS THE ULTIMATE CUSTOM KAT DADDY RAT ROD!!!!!!!!!!!
OK BOYS AND GIRLS, THIS IS THE ONE YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR.
THIS CAR SAT FOR OVER 10 YEARS PRIOR TO US GETTING OUR GRUBBY LITTLE HANDS ON IT.
CUSTOM RAT ROD.
BODY CUSTOMIZED IN THE 60's BY FAMED ROD EXPERT WAYNE DECAMP OUT OF KANSAS.
IT WAS NEVER FOR SALE UNTIL HE LOST HIS SIGHT 12 OR SO YEARS AGO.
2" CHOP TOP.
1970 BUICK 455 ENGINE.
1970 BUICK 2 SPEED AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION.
FACTORY 308 REAR END.
ALUMINUM BE COOL RADIATOR.
ELECTRIC RADIATOR FAN.
OPTIMUM BATTERY.
NEW BRAKE SYSTEM TO INCLUDE:
(FRONT DISC CONVERSION INCLUDING NEW ROTORS, CALIPERS, ROTORS, LINES FRONT TO BACK.)
POWER 60/40 BENCH SEAT BUICK WITH ARM REST.
METALFLAKE UPOLSTRY.
ALL SHEET METAL IS GOOD.
REPLACED ROCKER PANELS WITH NEW AFTERMARKET PANELS.
REPLACED LOWER QUARTER PANELS WITH NEW AFTERMARKET PANELS.
REPLACED REAR FLOOR PANS WITH NEW AFTERMARKET METAL.
GUAGES WORK EXCEPT SPEEDOMETER.
FACTORY RADIO WILL ONLY HUM.
ALL GRAPHICS AND PINSTRIPING ARE PAINTED METALFLAKE (NO DECALS).
THERE ARE A FEW SMALL SCREW HOLES IN THE HOOD WHERE WE PREVIOUSLY HAD SOME FAKE HOOD SCOOPS. WE COULDN'T BEAR TO PART WITH THE SCOOPS. WE HAVE TO HAVE THEM FOR OUR NEXT PROJECT.
PAINT IS ULTRA FLAT BLACK WITH METALFLAKE GRAPHICS.
RUNS STRONG.
YES THOSE VERTICAL PIPES ARE THE ACTUAL EXHAUST.
TO TOP IT ALL OFF IT WE PAINTED ONE OF THE GRILL TEETH GOLD.
LIKE WE SAID "THE ULTIMATE RAT ROD"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! you HAVE to be kidding us? the fucking asshole :world famous wayne decampo who, by the way NONE OF US HAS EVER FUCKING HEARD OF-who built this went blind
after he built it??!! are you sure, cause it looks to us like he was pretty fucking blind WHILE he was building
it. There is so much here to pick at its almost overwhelming, but the stand out items, have to be the lame assed zoomies, and completly STUPID idea of combining flames AND scallops. So, what do we have then, something new? SCLAMES perhaps?! The run away BAD idea on this thing though has to be that the fucktards who "built" this thing, actually painted ONE of the grill knobs GOLD! like some looser nigger rap star, this fucking shit can of a car has its shit dialed with gold all up in his greealllll, dog...mad, stupid, props to you for thinkin of this!
geeezustittyfuckingdeadjewcarpenter! Please do us a favor there von COCKSUCKER daddy, light your car on fire, with you in it, just before you self inflict an enourmous gun shot wound to your worthless fucking head.
You couldnt build you way out of a wet paper bag.

Correct Kustoms NEVER suck!

Looking at these two works of art, you may ask yourself, self: Is there such a thing as an incorrect kustom? Well Duh, YEAH! do ya think? One look at ebay, or 5 seconds at just about ANY car show in the country (especially if your east of the Mississippi river) will show you just how fucked up someone can build a car. However, it has become abundantly clear to us, that more than some of you need help in your education. Being able to recognize a correct car should be more a matter of pre programed genetic normality. However, we recognize that there are those of you out there that come from, well...... "less than perfect" genetic stock.

As a by product of a drunken nights excess between two siblings, we cant expect all of you to actually be able to understand what it is we are talking about. And thus will have to be shown, just what it is, that is, and isn't acceptable. Yes, we will do the thinking for you, and moreover, we will show you here, using graphic pictures, and little words, so that you can understand what it is we are trying to teach you little heathens, about our / your kulture.

Roughly every week or so, we will display a car that we have found, seen, or otherwise had our attention drawn too, that is wrong in just about every way possible.

We will take you by the hand, and explain in great detail why it isn't correct, and why you should avoid ever building such a thing, or wast even one second lavishing any kind of attention at all upon said turd. Prepare you selves my babies, and let us quell your thirst. But first wash you hands, and comb your hair...honestly, your a fucking mess.

See you back here soon!

RAN WHEN PARKED

FOR FUCKS SAKE! STOP USING THIS TERM!

Honestly this is not a shot at anyone in particular but a request that we all use some common sense when buying and selling cars in our thing. Ran when parked is like saying "Wet when pissed on" - DUH - all cars RAN when they were "parked". This statement is as useful and believable as "Only driven on Sundays by a little old lady to CHURCH." Honestly though, would anyone ever use this selling tactic?: "Drug like a corpse to where you see it now." or "Motor issue horrifying, stumped my mechanic, but I want "mint" value, ok?" or "Rust like I park it in the ocean, layers of Earl Scheib paint is all that is holding the cars shape."

In the future, just let me the be the judge. Be honest and say: "I haven't started the car in a year, and I am not in the mood to buy a battery and tune up stuff, so its priced accordingly."

I think we would all get along a bit better.

A magazine METH MAKEOVER

Well we have been saving this topic for a while now.

Yes its time to start nut tapping the various and shitty magazines

that infest our news stands these days.

In point of fact, we have had our eye on more than a few "ezines" that

are deservant of a few taps themselves, but in time that will

come. Wait your turn you internet loosers.

For now, today, we will limit ourselves to actual PUBLISHED magazines. Two in particular.

We refer you to a pair that represent polar opposite ends of the spectrum.

One, "Traditional Rod and Kulture Illustrated" and the other,

"old skool rodz" (the fucking gay assed spelling is THEIR idea, not ours)

The former, although a bit windy on the moniker, is for the most part,

-and lacking any other contender of equal stature- far and away the

most competent of the two publications.

Bent on more than a desire to fist fuck our Kulture for easy profits by

pandering to the automotive equivalents of lindsy lohan,

the crew at TRK seems to be genuinely concerned with covering correct kustoms

and hotrods, and limiting, or outright refusing to feature anything close to a rat rod.

Cars clad in radial white walls need not apply, and anyone who owns the apparel from, or has ever watched an episode of, monster garage from beginning to end - need not bother picking this mag up. Seriously you wont get it, don't bother.

Competent (for the most part) photography, hot broads, and a better than average layout,

takes this magazine to a border line artsy fartsy level.

Maybe best described as a "poor mans Rodders Journal" we gladly give

the boys over there a grade of B+. Keep up the good work, pole pullers

or suffer our wrath.

NOW - the other magazine (and we use that term as loosely as possible)

is suitable for one thing. Fire starter. Everything from the content, to the quality of paper

the rag is printed on, is pure unadulterated garbage.

Your features suck, your layout is non existant, and your featured artists draw at about the same level as a 4th grader with a used set of crayons, and your "pin up models"?

your pin up models are a FUCKING JOKE! On one cover you had the

outright bad taste to feature a flat chested, UGLY assed bitch who calls herself

"cherry doll face" !!!!!!!!!!!?????????????

Are you kidding us?! Goddamn, nonstop coverage of Bo Huff not withstanding,

you put ON YOUR COVER something that has less sex appeal than what my

neighbors dog leaves in tightly wound coils on the front fucking yard!

This self absorbed shit rag excuse of a periodical couldn't find its own ass

with both hands and a fucking flashlight.

Pointless, shallow, pedantic, and just plain worthless. The people responsible for this

kansas city back alley coat hanger abortion of a mag should have their nuts pop riveted

to the wing of a jumbo jet just before take off. Fuck you old STOOL rodz. Fuck you

and the sorry, half assed excuse of a magazine you rode in here on.

NO ONE in this industry or this kulture that has two working fucking brain cells

will have anything to do with you. Hell, even Rodders Journal in its recent article

covering and reviewing ALL current automotive pubs snubbed you mother fuckers

by NOT EVEN MENTIONING YOU IN THE FUCKING ARTICLE!

Lets just call a fucking spade what it is shall we? Lets bottom line this for you

mouth breathing dipshits who think its a good idea to weld barb wire to your

cowl, or TRY to build as shitty a car as possible in a hopeless and vain attempt

at out badassing all the other walking abortions out there at VLV this year.

You (and by "you" we mean OSR and carkulture deluxe) are the MAIN

reason our kulture is in decline. Your the reason some fucking moron in Iowa can

weld up a goddamn tractor cowl and slap it on a stock model T frame, with a

fucking chevette motor and think he is "cool". In short, you miserable shitbags dont

deserve to drink our collected and saved gizz from a years worth of masterbation, after

it was filtered through the dirty asshole of a dead goat, immediatly after it was raped

by a rabid bear who had recently eaten a happless bunch of nuns who went over a cliff

in the parish bus on their way to synchronized dildo practice, or bingo, or whatever the

fuck those idiots do with themselves.

- know what? just Fuck off and die.

Well kiddies, next time we meet, hopefully we will be a bit less angry, and have something

positive and righteous to say...........but we wouldn't bet on it.

Till then, TA!

Low miles, only driven to church on Sundays

Ever heard this bullshit? You might have even said it:

You gotta give her credit... You have to appreciate what they tried to do... At least they tried... We gotta do something... Do anything as long as you are doing something... You must acknowledge the effort put in...

This is the language of defeat.

This is what you say when you are trying to be polite, or add two cents to the bankrupt pot, or just as a catch phrase that you probably have heard 1000 times at car shows. But you are helping NO ONE. This kind of shitty talk only adds to the problem and encourages shit builders to keep building SHIT. One at a time I will break it down:

You gotta give her credit~ Why? I don't think I have to GIVE anyone anything, especially credit. Wow. She half ass built something that looks like shit and that has earned her discussion points?

You have to appreciate what they tried to do~ I do? Why? If you TRIED and were not successful then you FAILED. I don't appreciate failure, do you? Why don't we have giant car shows dedicated to "cars we fucked up"

At least they tried~ Tried what? Heroin? You can TRY to jam the car up your ass... probably wont fit, but at least you TRIED.

We gotta do something~ we do? Like what? The truth is we don't have to do anything except build quality and use the correct parts and correct tools for the correct fit.

Do anything as long as you are doing something ~ lets paint giant cocks on the cars! Will that work? At least you are doing something.

You must acknowledge the effort put in~ I am gonna acknowledge wasted time or a skil-less. plan-less operation that could almost past for a back alley abortion? Why?

All you have is your reputation and when you start making exceptions for others, soon you are making exceptions for your own work. Maybe that panel is "straight enough" since you don't want to block sand for another hour or two. Maybe those runs are "ok" since you cant re coat for a day or two with your schedule. Maybe radials are ok since bias ply's are SO EXPENSIVE. Maybe that shorting out wiring is ok since you can wiggle it and it might stay on and rewiring is so time consuming and technical. Soon, you are driving a piece of shit, but its not driving is it? I have to give you credit though, or do I?

TA- rend

Oh joy, the holiday season has finally came to an end. In about 3 months the weather will get marignally nicer and thoughts will return to cars and warm weather cruising. (For some of us, cars are ALL we think about, but the increase in driving time translates universally) So the real question becomes: What is the SO EXTREME car that is in style and will be mobbed (read: "I gotta get me one 'a those") by 99% of the mouth breathers? 5 years ago -it was import tuners, 4 years ago it was high dollar, jesse James bikes, 3 years ago its was RAT RODS, 2 years ago it was Donks, last year it was Brit motorcycles. I have an idea of what is next, but I am not going to make it public until its too late. The problem here is that our thing is not supposed to be an open invitation to anyone who wants to out bad ass each other, or snap up ALL the available cool sheet metal and drive the prices sky high. Its about doing what the majority ISNT. The danger of course is that someone will infiltrate our thing and make something cool into a POS. Then when they are called on it, they have a laundry list of reasons why we should change our thinking. If you have to justify what you are doing, its probably not right.

Figure out what YOU like, not Jesse, or OCC or OCC with ADD, or someone on a reality show. If you like Donks (I cant imagine why) then do that. Learn the history (do Donks have one?) of your scene, and stick to it until you have made the best car you can. Drive it for you and not just to make your buddy look like shit.

As a side note- I love THAT kulture... how they feed on each other~ everyone trying to outbadass each other and chasing their tails. All of the "who has bigger balls" bullshit that eventually drives a wedge between friends and HOPEFULLY, if they have watched enough MTV or (insert current rap icon here) then someone pulls a gun and they let natural selection do its thing. The winner showed that soft motherfucker who's the man, and due to incarceration of the "winner", we get TWO POS's off the street.

We will close with a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

Just remember, you donk-drivers, your buddy is secretly mad-doggin' you, and if you don't handle that shit like a "playa" you are soft and a pussy. Go get your gat and handle that shit before everyone in your "clique" or whatever, sees how soft you are. Take out that fool and any number of other fools slippin and eye-ballin' you behind your back. They are haters, and need to go out like suckas.

I think my work is done here.

QUICK! who is this???

QUICK, WHO IS THIS???

Don't bother trying to look at the picture closely so you can read their name tags, we made sure to remove that information.....

Any kustom car guy, or self proclaimed bad ass car builder should know, if for no other reason than just basic respect, who these men are - pictured here.

We certainly don't expect you old STOOL rod refuges to be able to figure this out, and if you have ever even looked at the HAMB, let alone posted on it, your to fucking stupid to breath. We wouldn't expect you to know anything of historical value.

OK, SO

Give up all you bad ass wanna be jag offs?

Fine, we'll tell you.....this is a picture of the Alexander Brothers. Now, if you don't know who they are, stop reading this blog immediately, go outside, stand in the fast lane of the nearest freeway, and let some reject of a human being soccer mom who cant wait to get home to get fucked badly from her looser 9 to 5 husband in an attempt to get pregnant and have yet another mouth breather of a child to unleash on a society that neither cares, wants nor needs another psychotic shaved ape running around on this planet. Hopefully, you and the breeder will end up assuming room temperature in short order.

For the rest of you, congratulations, you may continue to exist another day, and moreover, take a bit of pride in the knowledge that you at least have some sense of whats important.

Yes, you may indeed know these men, and certainly you should know their cars, but did you know this?

The "A-bros" have built not one or two, but THREE Don Riddler award winners in their lifetimes? (strange that there is no reality tv show that has ever pointed that out, and we're guessing that the people that had the cars built didn't spend a cool million, and have to work with some jackass like Chip Foose to get to win a trophy)

Larry and Mike were second and fourth of four brothers born during the Depression--1931 and 1933, respectively. Larry, the elder, began messing with cars well before he joined the Army in 1948. Once discharged, he studied body and fender work at a trade school under the GI Bill. Mike, the mechanic of the duo, always tinkered with cars. "When I was 15, I bought a beat-up hot rod--a '32 Ford three-window. I didn't keep it long," he says. He then got a '41 Ford coupe and promptly shaved the trim and handles and dolled up the mill. The Army conscripted Mike to serve in 1952. After his 1954 discharge, Larry convinced him to also study bodywork and paint theory under the GI Bill. The brothers soon began working in their father's one-car garage after hours, shaving trim, filling holes, and doing regular repairs. Larry's burgeoning family prompted him to buy a house, and the brothers quickly reestablished the shop in its two-car garage. At one point they realized the work coming in was enough to sustain a full-time endeavor, so in 1957 they quit their day jobs and concentrated on growing their business.

While the brothers gained exposure in East Coast publications like Rodding and Restyling and the original Custom Rodder, West Coast magazine ink eluded them. "Bob Larivee Sr. called and said he had some people he'd like us to meet," Mike says. "It was George Barris, and he had this electric air car for the Detroit Autorama and it was broken. We got George in the shop and he looked at the stuff we were doing--he was really impressed. He got us in with the West Coast magazines."

From there the brothers fame only grew and they went on to build such cars as the golden indian and the deora.

We love the styling ideas and ques that the collective work of these two brothers represent. When looking at our kulture, consider the fact that we honor builders like this, NOT guys like eddie whalten or blo puff. TRUE kustom car builders and kulture enthusiasts would do well do immerse themselves in the likes of this kind of work. Shun the stupidity that is so rampant in at least the magazine world these days. Do your own thing, but do it correctly. Simply taking a hammer to something because you lack any credible talent isn't the way to go. If your unable or just unwilling to properly educate yourself, please, by all means, go back to what ever it was you did before you ran into us, and ride or drive whatever piece of shit you have into a telephone pole.